Speak up.

Dear Sean,

I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the long brown lashes around your shiny brown eyes. I miss kissing you, I miss your warmth. The way you'd fall asleep waiting for me to get ready. I miss your calls ten times a day, I miss calling to tell you about a rainbow or the moon or the house I just drove past.
I miss your stupid banter, the monkey out of the bottle, the rhetorical questions, the smirk on your face. I miss you standing behind me. The arms around my waist, the kisses on the cheek. I miss dancing to silent music, swaying back and forth in the middle of a public place and knowing what song you were playing in your head, seeing your smile when you spoke a line and I finished it. I miss you driving my car, holding your hand, squeezing three times, and kissing your prickly cheek. I miss your oil stained hands, how your hats smelled, and finding your socks under my bed every day. I miss how you eat, I miss wearing your shirts, I miss doing your laundry and leaving notes to find in your books.
I miss browsing stores for hours when we only needed diapers because everything sparked your interest. I miss your excitement, the way your eyebrows rose with your widened eyes and tears filled them up the first time Brynlie kicked inside of me. The way your hands never left my stomach after that. Your innocence, your sincerity. And the purity I felt, knowing that to you, this was once in a lifetime.
I miss the look on your face when you saw me in the delivery room shaking and turning blue, because I knew you were just as terrified and confused and seeing you was enough to calm me down. I miss you being my strength, and the hope that you would be the one to raise Mae if anything went wrong. I miss the way you looked at her, how afraid you were to move, how softly you spoke and loved every little thing she did. I miss having someone with me through all the times I didn't know what to do, and having you to remind me to breathe.
I miss you spinning poi everywhere we went, how at first I wished you'd stop before you smacked someone in the face, but a few weeks later I was politely asking people to step back so they didn't mess up your back spin. I miss how friendly you were, all the time. I miss forgetting about fearing people and trusting that this world is a good, good place. I miss knowing that we weren't leaving where we were, until we had done something nice for someone else.
I miss the way music moved you like it did me, the way you could keep up with me and didn't mind at all if I kept dancing all night. I miss wondering where you came from and how one man could be so good at everything. I miss you grabbing me and lifting me up when our songs came on, I miss every sappy line being about us because it was just so true. I miss slow dancing to Kaskade because it was our moment to hear "Only You," and we needed to look each other dead in the eye, foreheads touching, alone together among thousands of people. I miss every day in this world feeling just that way.
I miss getting "mad" at you for calling me baby girl. I miss you calling me baby girl. And I miss you being my boy. I miss telling people our story, the way old friends would look at you when they heard how long we had been together, the way anyone would look at you when they heard you were with me through an entire pregnancy, at every doctor's visit, and took me to your prom with a 7 month belly. When they heard you were still by my side, visiting us at mommy school on your lunch break, barely graduated and working two jobs, paying for an apartment, a car, and secretly an engagement ring. I miss the look we'd get that assured me that I had the best man in the world. For choosing to become an 18 year old father.
For coming over every night after working all day, just to hold Mae before bed. And asking to pick her up out of her crib the rest of the night. For taking me to my prom, for making it so absolutely perfect, rose petals and all, and for getting down on one knee... for being so brave, so pure, so unconditional. I miss your face when I said yes, the same look you gave me each and every time our eyes met. I miss the kisses on the hand, your twenty squeezes in reply to my three, and how much you loved my ring for you... even though it was way too big. I miss your notes, your cards filled with tiny, scrawly writing, "I'm proud of you," and "I can't wait," and flowers because you were at the store getting batteries.
I miss the way you'd say good morning without saying a word, and missing each other across a room. I miss our movie stubs and concert tickets pinned on your wall. I miss surprising you with makeshift date nights when we couldn't get out. I miss "team Jacob," victory dance on game night, and waltzing under the stars to Frank Sinatra in my polka dot dress with you still in your work clothes. I miss chip and salsa movie nights and the couch being plenty of room for us because we never could get too tangled in each other. I miss feeling like I was always enough.
I miss your forgiveness, your relentless faith in us, your grace and determination. I miss the way mercy feels when the only thing that lead me away from you was fear, and you were never too afraid to pull me back in no matter where I had gone. I miss your humble heart, how you never understood why I felt I didn't deserve you. I miss your passion, seeing that love wasn't just something you'd been told you needed, it was your food, your sunrise, your air. I miss coming back to you, after we'd both been too fed up to apologize, and feeling everything all over again, wondering how I ever thought anything else would do. I miss being irrevocably in love with you.
I miss my best friend, you reminding me to be good to my sister no matter what, and being freakishly good at shopping for women's shoes. I miss you insisting on taking pictures no matter how awful I thought I looked. I miss the ninja sword fights and embarrassing each other in public. Mostly you embarrassing me; daily. How quickly you came up with such ridiculous things to say to our servers and the pranks you'd pull that were too good to be mad about. I miss annoying each other so badly we were grabbing each others faces yelling "I love you so friggin much" through angry gritted teeth.
I miss how my grandma looked at you, hearing how much she loved you, and how she and my grandpa made you tear up... because they would both look you in the eye and call you a great man. I miss hiding my phone at school and work and smiling at it ear to ear as I stared at your texts. I miss doodling your name on all my papers and bolting outside when I heard your engine revving. I miss you never being impressed by anything but a good heart, I miss feeling like the envy of every girl in the room because I had yours.
I miss your style, your plaid shirts, your handmade jewelry, how you pulled off looking handsome/clean/rugged/artistic/athletic/urban at the same time and how much your necklaces meant to you. I miss you showing off your MMA skills, I miss the constant sparring, teaching me grappling, and pretending I could win. I miss you treating me like glass, how you managed to wrestle and play with me in the gentlest way, how you pulled my whole body closer with one arm, the way you moved around me and made me feel weightless, effortlessly. I miss the perfect sleeping positions, how every inch of us molded to each other in the best way. I miss baby Brynlie Mae Halladay in the middle and watching your eyes start to flutter and close with hers. I miss how incredibly handsome you are. I miss your hair, wrapping your curls around my fingers when it got long, pulling and smoothing the nape of your neck, and how much you shivered and grinned and loved it.
I miss the drive to your mom's house, the one time of year we'd take the longer way hoping to get stopped by the hundreds of sheep in the road again. I miss stopping to explore the pioneer church and flooded houses along the way, I just miss everything being an adventure. I miss superbowl parties, Christmas parties, and Thanksgiving in the shop with your family, and making a few extra banana-cream pies JUST for you. I miss how hard you'd laugh at Brynlie being blown back by the giant fan and how you'd apologize for having a drink even though I helped you with it. I miss seeing your black truck and your eager smile and putting pennies in a jar to save for the parts it needed, because I knew how good you'd look in it. I miss talking about our future, dreaming about buying the house across the street, dreaming of horses and paint colors and a porch swing. I miss walking to the house down the road to drool over the Chevy Nova in the driveway and the look on your face when I asked if we could skip the reception and get you one. I miss loving that small town and the idea of living so close to your mom, because I couldn't love or respect a woman more. I miss hearing you talk about her, how passionate you've always been about what she went through to give her kids the world and seeing what family really means. I miss talking about it all with papa Scott, how grateful you were for him, and hearing "Be good to each other, love each other" from that great man that was your second chance at a father, and feeling the same thing for my daughter right by my side.
I miss those sleepovers we didn't have to sneak, the way we felt free to hold each other on our bed of cushions by the fireplace, without a care in the world. Waking up slow, letting you sleep in and having a cup of coffee with Mom... I miss the simplicity, the beauty in those things. I miss you teasing David about hitting on your girlfriend, I miss his bright red cheeks and his embarrassed laugh when I put my arm around him. I miss going down to see his games, how proud you are of him, and only going without you, because you couldn't get the night off. I miss him mimicking your demeanor, stealing your hats, and looking up to you because he knew you'd do anything to make him smile.
I miss the sky, how we gravitated to it, hours passing by laying on the grass, and driving all the way up the canyon just to sit in the back of the truck and look up. I miss you being my escape, my favorite place to rest my head, and how you made me feel underneath a billion stars. I miss spending entire nights talking and never running out of room to explore in each other.
I miss calling you baby, stealing kisses, the gentle snow that came down on us in the hot tub, the moments never depicted as well as they really were. I miss being okay with all the unanswered questions of the universe because you'd be there under the stars with me, curious, talking, sharing, dreaming. I miss being with the people you love, with you, seeing our future with them and feeling I couldn't get enough of their company... rather than feeling so lost between them and the idea of having to say goodbye. I miss being with them, and not aching for you. I miss picking up a guitar without crying. I miss the way your grandpa hugged me at his birthday, so much different than the way he hugged me at the hospital. I miss so many things I can't say, so many things that really can't be said at all. I miss looking at you, I miss saying your name, and telling you how much I love you. I miss telling you, in any way, that I miss you.