Find hope.

    I guess with the holidays came a crazy sense of disbelief that I'm still trying to shake. Life is persistent to continue living, and impatiently so. It doesn't feel like my own any longer, I don't know what to do with this borrowed time. Sean said to live like you're dying but I imagine this isn't quite what he meant. I catch myself dazed and immovable in a moment where I realize he's physically missing, or just incredibly missed. Then I blink and another month has gone by. September twenty fifth took all my sense of reality, it picked up every day that followed on its way out and slammed the door. How can it be Christmas Eve and we haven't spent one apart for five years? Why is this allowed to happen? Thanksgiving was unbearable, I just couldn't do it. Here comes another broken day full of traditions to rearrange and an immense amount of confused emotion. Every year he slept on the couch to spend Christmas morning with my family. I swear that man is the most beautiful thing to wake on this earth, Christmas morning or any other. Seans dreams must have been so beautiful he couldn't help but carry an incredible smile with him to the surface of consciousness. Kissing his cheek good morning was instant gratification, butterflies. I could feel it before I opened my eyes and pulled back to watch him. His lungs would slowly lift me a little higher and his left eye would crack open, I suspect his happiness woke up quicker than his body would allow. That gorgeous close-eyed smile told me he wanted to jump up and sweep me off my feet in a dance, but that he'd settle for wrapping me in his arms under a quilt by the fire for a few infinite moments. I have my doubts that I will ever sleep a second without the waking confusion of where he's gone.

Something tells me I'll still be here that morning, here to smile and nod silently when Brynlie asks if Santa has come. It'll be different, going to Grandma's for scones and sitting anywhere but his lap. Grandpa's gift for Sean from "the shop" was always anticipated, I wonder what he would have made this year. He adored my grandparents, he loved their love and appreciated our family more than I knew how. I give him credit for the way I see them now. Sean was teaching me all along, it's an incredibly bitter sweet feeling to have any lesson finally sink in when it seems too late. He fully understood the people I'd spent my entire life getting to know, why they did what they did, how they must feel... I guess when you know who you are everything outside of your simple self is clearer. I remember within ten minutes of meeting my brother at family dinner years ago, he mentioned how much he liked him. "He's the good kind of passive, he doesn't take everything so seriously. It balances you crazy girls out for sure." (Haha) He was learning from people before I even introduced him to them. With enough humility you learn life is all about the people we share it with, it's about how we feel and think and express love, "it's all about perspective." As a mother I'm continually struggling to have a better perspective, we have every reason to be our best. Sean would tell me, "If you don't understand, create something you CAN understand. I don't think you could get any better but if you can see it, I believe in you, I'm proud of you." I could write for days how much he constantly impressed me, shocked and amazed and inspired me. Sean Michael Halladay knew something infinite, something simple and lovely and pure that I don't think he even fully understood. But he knew it, he felt it, it filled him.

I don't enjoy saying so, but my heart breaks when I think about Christmas morning. We did Brynlie's shopping together every year, then watched the reaction together. The year before last was incredible, I swear we couldn't refrain from acting like two love drunk teenagers no matter how "old" we were getting as parents. We went graveyard sale shopping at Toys-R-Us and in the few hours we were there I was reminded that Sean would not only be the best father and husband I could ever imagine, but already the best friend I could possibly ask for. He made me laugh until I was soaking up tears with my sleeve. He picked things out for Brynlie that suited her better than anything I would have chosen alone, he loved that little girl the way I do. Always and forever, anything and everything, the inside-and-out, hold your hand and kiss you a hundred times just because way. "You know how much I love you girls, you know I'd do anything to make every one of your dreams come true. I'll spend the rest of my life showing you, if you'll let me." How many times did he have to say it, how many years would he have continued to spend proving it to me before I really, really understood? I am so unconditionally in love with him, given the chance now I would show him. Not the way I thought I did before, I would hold nothing back, fear nothing, I would give him my best. I can only hope he knows that now.

Sean somehow knew something else he couldn't have understood, he warned me once about regret and said he'd never want me to feel it. "Don't get scared before you even give it a chance, I don't want you to look back and wonder. I promise I'll make it worth it. I don't want you to ever regret giving up, give it a chance, take the risk, I promise you won't regret it." It is so painful knowing he was right, I never felt it before but regret is killing me now; it would succeed if I let it. You truly don't know what you have until it's gone. Don't take one minute for granted. If what I have learned and come to realize in the past few months has any validity, I can at least say I know now what love is and what life is all about. And it is better to have loved and lost, than to lose the CHANCE to. I have hope that I will learn from all of my missed opportunities. I have hope that I will learn how to recognize them so I don't half heartily do anything again. I have hope that I will never let another moment go by that I don't cherish. "You don't have to live forever, you just have to live." I have peace knowing Sean has no regrets, I don't grieve for what he has lost because I know the magnificence of the eternal life he is living now alongside his maker. I say I know because I have felt his assurance. Everyone that knew him on this earth knew the life Sean lived was full, I'm glad he lived his life. Now, I have faith in God to teach me how to live mine. I am gaining a new teacher, though intangible he is nearer to me than I could ever fathom before. I hope to be humble, to be a student of experience and walk confidently among the fog despite the castles in the distance and darkness surrounding me. I have found strength in this, the courage that comes with small, simple hope.