Refuse, deny, breathe, write.

I stayed away from this until yesterday, I hate that my only option now is pictures and words. If you know me you know I hate painting emotions on a social canvas, but until writing my tears to death no longer works, I guess everyone will hear about it. I can't think of any other way to get this out, I have so much regret I would be a fool not to follow the urge to write what I've felt. There's just no expressing it, not really, not in a way that could ever satisfy me. I just can't deny my screaming insides. How long have I gone ignoring the urge, the voices, the promptings? To write him a note, make him a CD, listen to him, make a change, capture moments, retrace my steps, remember, cherish him. And I still do it, I deny my instant, instinct thoughts that flow to my fingers because they may not be correct or make any sense. I don't care. I will not second guess myself any more. As far as I am concerned, this expressions only flaw is that it is too late. This is Step One, denial. Do I know the second step? At this point, no. Never will I ever.

For a week before the day my world came undone, random things had been happening that gave me a sense of unease. Sean and I spent every day and night for two weeks together when he got back from Texas, and decided we were going to be better than ever (Officially) Then, the second week of the fall semester came and made a wave in our waters. I got stressed and everything seemed chaotic. In every social setting I tried to place myself in I felt lost, I wanted to go home before I even left. In my easy, laid back classes I felt hopeless, I became the desk in the back nearest the door. At work my interactions were forced, I was extremely anxious to get through each night as routine: Smile, listen, agree. I was as genuine as a robot and I could feel it, I isolated myself desperately trying to figure out what it was this time that I had to figure out in my head. I went to the gym by myself one night to clear my head and my ipod played three Letter Kills songs from the same album, on shuffle. I hadn't heard those songs or any from Letter Kills in years, my ipod is always on shuffle so with everything else going on this was more than random. Those of you who knew him best will understand the significance.

When Sean was in Texas working we were constantly talking; texting, calling each other with random stories, pictures of each other, houses he liked and sunsets that inspired us. We sent a song assignment every day to listen to, sometimes whole play lists. He'd say "we should choreograph a dance to this," or "this came on in the car and reminded me how much I love you...for the thousandth time this morning." I missed him so much and was so excited for him to come home. He had a camping trip with his family the day after he got back and I thought I'd have to wait even longer to see him, but I was relieved that he had time to himself with family. No ruthless heat and humidity, no walking in the rain with sole-less shoes. No more walking for miles to find a place to fill his water bottle or hitch-hiking in a dangerous city. Sean had me thinking he and Sadie would drive from the airport to Mt. Pleasant without stopping to see me in Orem. He surprised me at work with flowers. He's such a romantic. I couldn't adequately describe how intensely happy and in love with him I felt. We planned a weekend vacation to park city after his Montana trip, and seriously considered eloping in Vegas... I can not understand why, after two weeks of him being back I suddenly felt lost and told him something was wrong but I didn't know what. I had too many responsibilities on my plate to think clearly. He blamed himself for not having everything "set up" here, I could not have cared less about that. We could be homeless, starving, broke, it didn't matter. But I couldn't get out of my own head, I took that last week for granted, I wasted it away. Call it depression or stress... all it is now is painful regret. It is by far the worst pain I have ever known. There are hours I dwell in each day when I wish I could cease to exist.

Sean Michael Halladay and I met in 2004 on a windy day in August... We count this as the day we met because it struck the two of us so hard it felt a lot like fate. I remember it was windy because as I walked through the doors of the Jr.High I struggled to fix my hair with one hand, my other was gripping my latest "boyfriends."(I was thirteen and not to be taken seriously) It was after school hours, I had been at the skate park across the street and realized I left my phone inside. We walked east and when I looked up a tall handsome boy with football gear slung over his shoulder was walking west and staring right at me. I immediately tried to fix my facial expression and not be seen drooling. Let me explain that this was my "rebel" phase, with my dark clothes and bangs in my face... And this boy struck me as an overly handsome and consequently overly confident "jock" when he disregarded the boy at my left ENTIRELY and exposed his perfect beautiful smile with a "Hey! How are you?" I was later told that was a huge accomplishment for him, and that he was actually very shy around girls. (Hard to believe, right?)  I remember every time we told someone how we met, he would tell them how I broke his heart with my cold look and lack of response, how I gave him a "death look" and kept walking. But then he would quickly add, "and all I wanted was to meet the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, I just HAD to get her attention." Sean has this way of telling someone else a story but telling me all over again, he'd get to certain parts and look down at me with those shining eyes reminding me how it felt to find him. No matter how many times he told the story it felt like an announcement we couldn't wait to make to make.

That was a Friday, I was surprisingly not grounded and allowed to have a "sleep over" at a friends, meaning we went looking for trouble with our much older friends. At that time in my life my choice of company was destructive and my emotional well being was unhealthy. That Friday night I drank until I was extremely sick and eventually passed out, then in the morning I ended things with that much older boy I shouldn't have ever been with. I didn't value my life or love myself, I spent most of Sunday locked in my room considering checking out entirely before monday came. But, monday came and when I walked down the steps after school I saw my friend Brady Rawlings across the street, he yelled "PAIGEUMS!!"and I instantly felt a little better and ran over to give him a hug. I had never said much to his friend Nic but I will always remember as I hugged Brady he took inventory of my attire and said "Oh, I have skulls on my shoes and holes in my pants, I'm so hardcore." I spun around with a wicked glare for him and there was Sean, standing right next to Nic, hands in his pockets, looking the opposite direction, half smiling and totally uninterested in what was happening. A few weeks later my friend Tesha had started to date Nic and I saw Sean again at her house.

We were all standing in her front yard playing hacky-sac and goofing around. Brady and I had been wrestling and laughing but I had been watching Sean the entire time and was very annoyed that he was making such an effort not to notice me at all. I was so intrigued by him. The way he seemed so anxious to meet me and now refused to glance at me even though I was staring at him. I knew, he knew, for the first time I was aware of my misjudgement and wanted more than anything to fix the person I shot back at him that day he gave me the perfect first impression. He was laughing at Nic and Tesha, I walked over, stood three inches from him and said "Hey, you can talk to me you know, I won't bite." He looked at me confused, smiled, laughed, looked at Brady behind me and continued to look confused for a few seconds. I felt so awkward staring at him waiting for a reply... He was so beautiful. His eyes were still on Brady directly behind me and I lost myself watching his eyes light up and his grin strech across his dimpled cheeks, before I knew it I was slung over Seans shoulders and spinning around in the blur of green grass and his white skate shoes. Every day after that one seemed to work perfectly in our favor. I thought about him all day and ran across the street after school to meet our group. Weekends consisted of Nic, Tesha, Brady, Sean and I having sleepovers on Talia's trampoline, going to the reservoir, watching movies and boxing in Bradys basement, getting kicked out of every grocery store in Springville, Provo and Spanish Fork. We always had so much fun, I was constantly being picked up and slung over someone's shoulder, I laughed and was genuinely happier than ever and it seemed like I finally found a place I fit. Brady and Sean always joked about who "got me first" but everyone knew, it was obvious.

One night in October the four of us had been babysitting Talia's nieces and nephews. Nic and Tesha had gone somewhere, and Sean and I were left sitting on the ground in her aunts living room. I was only a block away from my house but I spent most nights there because I hated to be home, especially alone in my room. Sean was sitting indian-style and I was hugging my knees in front of him talking about my crazy childhood and asking about his. We exposed our weaknesses, fears and struggles... As we talked he put my cold feet under his crossed legs, we looked at each other and knew these were things we didn't share lightly, or with anyone else at all. Trust was something we were conditioned to lack, something dangerous, but I wasn't afraid when he pulled me closer and kissed me. It was an introduction to perfection. I trusted him, it was a clique emotion like butterflies and I was hooked like a fish. From that night we couldn't look at each other without smiling or walk without holding hands. One saturday night we went to a haunted forest. My first "date," I remember what he wore, what I wore, and over everything I remember his laugh. From beginning to end I heard him laughing and saw his "Ooohh man" face more clearly than anything. He was such a sissy, pushing me ahead into doorways and picking me up to run from someone behind him. On Halloween he and I sat in the backseat of Nics car holding hands, whispering, smiling... I could see Nics eyes in the rearview as he said "God you two are cute. Hey, keep your hands where I can see them!" Tesha turned laughing and made fun of us. I squoze his hand three times. I hadn't taught him what that meant yet.

We didn't have to try to spend all of our time together, it just happened. It was gravity, magnetic, inevitable. He came to see me on Thanksgiving and I ran outside barefoot in snow to jump in his arms because I missed him so much. He always made fun of me for prancing around without shoes and half the time he had to force me to wear his jacket because I never remembered one. He was always so warm. The nights we would insist on sleeping on the trampoline, Nic and Tesha would always run inside freezing but we stayed until the sun came up. Although we were young, we understood so much about what was happening. This was so real. No games, no questions. Just easy, lucky, free. We knew each other completely, Sean understood why I made the mistakes I had and could always predict the ones I would make again. To be with someone and know their past, thrive in their presence, see the patterns that will compose their future and have it be so incredibly easy to mold yourself to their lives... knowing that we already forgave each other for what would happen, knowing we would be adrift at times but never alone. Neither of us had to say a word, no matter what our connection was so strong we simply knew. Over the course of a few months we had become permanent, necessary, irreplacable love that would continue to grow, mature, deepen and become truly unconditional.