Speak up.

Dear Sean,

I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the long brown lashes around your shiny brown eyes. I miss kissing you, I miss your warmth. The way you'd fall asleep waiting for me to get ready. I miss your calls ten times a day, I miss calling to tell you about a rainbow or the moon or the house I just drove past.
I miss your stupid banter, the monkey out of the bottle, the rhetorical questions, the smirk on your face. I miss you standing behind me. The arms around my waist, the kisses on the cheek. I miss dancing to silent music, swaying back and forth in the middle of a public place and knowing what song you were playing in your head, seeing your smile when you spoke a line and I finished it. I miss you driving my car, holding your hand, squeezing three times, and kissing your prickly cheek. I miss your oil stained hands, how your hats smelled, and finding your socks under my bed every day. I miss how you eat, I miss wearing your shirts, I miss doing your laundry and leaving notes to find in your books.
I miss browsing stores for hours when we only needed diapers because everything sparked your interest. I miss your excitement, the way your eyebrows rose with your widened eyes and tears filled them up the first time Brynlie kicked inside of me. The way your hands never left my stomach after that. Your innocence, your sincerity. And the purity I felt, knowing that to you, this was once in a lifetime.
I miss the look on your face when you saw me in the delivery room shaking and turning blue, because I knew you were just as terrified and confused and seeing you was enough to calm me down. I miss you being my strength, and the hope that you would be the one to raise Mae if anything went wrong. I miss the way you looked at her, how afraid you were to move, how softly you spoke and loved every little thing she did. I miss having someone with me through all the times I didn't know what to do, and having you to remind me to breathe.
I miss you spinning poi everywhere we went, how at first I wished you'd stop before you smacked someone in the face, but a few weeks later I was politely asking people to step back so they didn't mess up your back spin. I miss how friendly you were, all the time. I miss forgetting about fearing people and trusting that this world is a good, good place. I miss knowing that we weren't leaving where we were, until we had done something nice for someone else.
I miss the way music moved you like it did me, the way you could keep up with me and didn't mind at all if I kept dancing all night. I miss wondering where you came from and how one man could be so good at everything. I miss you grabbing me and lifting me up when our songs came on, I miss every sappy line being about us because it was just so true. I miss slow dancing to Kaskade because it was our moment to hear "Only You," and we needed to look each other dead in the eye, foreheads touching, alone together among thousands of people. I miss every day in this world feeling just that way.
I miss getting "mad" at you for calling me baby girl. I miss you calling me baby girl. And I miss you being my boy. I miss telling people our story, the way old friends would look at you when they heard how long we had been together, the way anyone would look at you when they heard you were with me through an entire pregnancy, at every doctor's visit, and took me to your prom with a 7 month belly. When they heard you were still by my side, visiting us at mommy school on your lunch break, barely graduated and working two jobs, paying for an apartment, a car, and secretly an engagement ring. I miss the look we'd get that assured me that I had the best man in the world. For choosing to become an 18 year old father.
For coming over every night after working all day, just to hold Mae before bed. And asking to pick her up out of her crib the rest of the night. For taking me to my prom, for making it so absolutely perfect, rose petals and all, and for getting down on one knee... for being so brave, so pure, so unconditional. I miss your face when I said yes, the same look you gave me each and every time our eyes met. I miss the kisses on the hand, your twenty squeezes in reply to my three, and how much you loved my ring for you... even though it was way too big. I miss your notes, your cards filled with tiny, scrawly writing, "I'm proud of you," and "I can't wait," and flowers because you were at the store getting batteries.
I miss the way you'd say good morning without saying a word, and missing each other across a room. I miss our movie stubs and concert tickets pinned on your wall. I miss surprising you with makeshift date nights when we couldn't get out. I miss "team Jacob," victory dance on game night, and waltzing under the stars to Frank Sinatra in my polka dot dress with you still in your work clothes. I miss chip and salsa movie nights and the couch being plenty of room for us because we never could get too tangled in each other. I miss feeling like I was always enough.
I miss your forgiveness, your relentless faith in us, your grace and determination. I miss the way mercy feels when the only thing that lead me away from you was fear, and you were never too afraid to pull me back in no matter where I had gone. I miss your humble heart, how you never understood why I felt I didn't deserve you. I miss your passion, seeing that love wasn't just something you'd been told you needed, it was your food, your sunrise, your air. I miss coming back to you, after we'd both been too fed up to apologize, and feeling everything all over again, wondering how I ever thought anything else would do. I miss being irrevocably in love with you.
I miss my best friend, you reminding me to be good to my sister no matter what, and being freakishly good at shopping for women's shoes. I miss you insisting on taking pictures no matter how awful I thought I looked. I miss the ninja sword fights and embarrassing each other in public. Mostly you embarrassing me; daily. How quickly you came up with such ridiculous things to say to our servers and the pranks you'd pull that were too good to be mad about. I miss annoying each other so badly we were grabbing each others faces yelling "I love you so friggin much" through angry gritted teeth.
I miss how my grandma looked at you, hearing how much she loved you, and how she and my grandpa made you tear up... because they would both look you in the eye and call you a great man. I miss hiding my phone at school and work and smiling at it ear to ear as I stared at your texts. I miss doodling your name on all my papers and bolting outside when I heard your engine revving. I miss you never being impressed by anything but a good heart, I miss feeling like the envy of every girl in the room because I had yours.
I miss your style, your plaid shirts, your handmade jewelry, how you pulled off looking handsome/clean/rugged/artistic/athletic/urban at the same time and how much your necklaces meant to you. I miss you showing off your MMA skills, I miss the constant sparring, teaching me grappling, and pretending I could win. I miss you treating me like glass, how you managed to wrestle and play with me in the gentlest way, how you pulled my whole body closer with one arm, the way you moved around me and made me feel weightless, effortlessly. I miss the perfect sleeping positions, how every inch of us molded to each other in the best way. I miss baby Brynlie Mae Halladay in the middle and watching your eyes start to flutter and close with hers. I miss how incredibly handsome you are. I miss your hair, wrapping your curls around my fingers when it got long, pulling and smoothing the nape of your neck, and how much you shivered and grinned and loved it.
I miss the drive to your mom's house, the one time of year we'd take the longer way hoping to get stopped by the hundreds of sheep in the road again. I miss stopping to explore the pioneer church and flooded houses along the way, I just miss everything being an adventure. I miss superbowl parties, Christmas parties, and Thanksgiving in the shop with your family, and making a few extra banana-cream pies JUST for you. I miss how hard you'd laugh at Brynlie being blown back by the giant fan and how you'd apologize for having a drink even though I helped you with it. I miss seeing your black truck and your eager smile and putting pennies in a jar to save for the parts it needed, because I knew how good you'd look in it. I miss talking about our future, dreaming about buying the house across the street, dreaming of horses and paint colors and a porch swing. I miss walking to the house down the road to drool over the Chevy Nova in the driveway and the look on your face when I asked if we could skip the reception and get you one. I miss loving that small town and the idea of living so close to your mom, because I couldn't love or respect a woman more. I miss hearing you talk about her, how passionate you've always been about what she went through to give her kids the world and seeing what family really means. I miss talking about it all with papa Scott, how grateful you were for him, and hearing "Be good to each other, love each other" from that great man that was your second chance at a father, and feeling the same thing for my daughter right by my side.
I miss those sleepovers we didn't have to sneak, the way we felt free to hold each other on our bed of cushions by the fireplace, without a care in the world. Waking up slow, letting you sleep in and having a cup of coffee with Mom... I miss the simplicity, the beauty in those things. I miss you teasing David about hitting on your girlfriend, I miss his bright red cheeks and his embarrassed laugh when I put my arm around him. I miss going down to see his games, how proud you are of him, and only going without you, because you couldn't get the night off. I miss him mimicking your demeanor, stealing your hats, and looking up to you because he knew you'd do anything to make him smile.
I miss the sky, how we gravitated to it, hours passing by laying on the grass, and driving all the way up the canyon just to sit in the back of the truck and look up. I miss you being my escape, my favorite place to rest my head, and how you made me feel underneath a billion stars. I miss spending entire nights talking and never running out of room to explore in each other.
I miss calling you baby, stealing kisses, the gentle snow that came down on us in the hot tub, the moments never depicted as well as they really were. I miss being okay with all the unanswered questions of the universe because you'd be there under the stars with me, curious, talking, sharing, dreaming. I miss being with the people you love, with you, seeing our future with them and feeling I couldn't get enough of their company... rather than feeling so lost between them and the idea of having to say goodbye. I miss being with them, and not aching for you. I miss picking up a guitar without crying. I miss the way your grandpa hugged me at his birthday, so much different than the way he hugged me at the hospital. I miss so many things I can't say, so many things that really can't be said at all. I miss looking at you, I miss saying your name, and telling you how much I love you. I miss telling you, in any way, that I miss you.

Learn.

        I've always had the stubborn inclination to be self taught in all the wrong things. Guitar, parenting, piano, how to "grieve properly"... I keep insisting on learning the hard way so I guess this is me taking notes. What hasn't killed me has shown me what life could become, and how it will empower me to save myself.

Step One, every day, is Learn.

verb: learn; learns; learned; learning

1.

gain or acquire knowledge of or skill in (something) by study, experience, or being taught.

      The learning process is relatively simple. You + experience ÷ life = adaptation/knowledge. 

 Your perspective is never an isolated incidence, you had to learn everything, from acquiring your very basic needs to letting go of your ego. And every day you learn some of the same things over and over, i.e.: Parenting, the never ending test of all tests. Ideally all of life's lessons are mastered before you're given the opportunity to then teach them. Seeing as that's hugely impossible since becoming a parent IS the ultimate lesson, you have to rely on evolution.

Yeah, I said evolution. I believe everything changes, like on a molecular level, and you must be willing to happily adapt. (If you won't, congratulations, your stubborn depraved selfishness will serve you well and your children will be of little value to you. Sure, skip class, have fun trying to justify that to whoever created you and didn't toss your ungrateful ass aside. Necessary rant; over:) Adapt to a whole new reality; You were wrong about everything, you know nothing, and you must learn quickly. Because never has time been so real as when you pressed start on another soul's stopwatch.

Basically, change is vital in learning. This mental shift is (in my opinion) the most important because once you've made the choice to embrace it, it never stops, never rests. There's never an option to pass on parenting or put it on hold. It will test you in every way, until you wonder if you ever had limits. A harsh cynic is hatched in your head that says "You must be better, so she will be her best." "Hey remember how you did this last time? You can do better, right now" and "That isn't what she deserves. Change something. Work harder. Fix it." The paradox is, selflessness creates limitlessness, I think that's why we choose it.

Into the wee hours of the morning we count how many vegetables they ate that day, come up with ways to compensate for a missing father role, revise lessons on the crucial values of life, and dream about all of it going as planned. Then throughout the day, we come up with a thousand plan B's.

Every word, thought and action is under review and if you try to escape that fact you'll live with your now tripled conscience. Did I mention you can never go back to fix the effects? Nothing will push you harder than looking at the mother you were a few years ago thinking "I can't believe I thought that was good enough." You will know it has never been about You, and it never again will be. But in this work, you reap the most. The things that reinvent you but have nothing to do with you at all, always carry the greatest rewards.These are the things you need to experience. 

 Of course it doesn't end there; all that you think, seek and do build upon each other.
Children are the constant thought, the highest goal, the ultimate career. How will we ever get it?

You learned how to get the job you wanted by absorbing the requirements to get it, right? "Must have Doctorate degree in awesomeness? CHECK!" Then you magnified the qualities needed to get there in yourself; The shoe fits and you're wearing that bad boy to the interview. The pep talk in your head beforehand would go something like this: 

"Confidence. I have everything they need and more, I bring something to the table. Nothing to lose if I do my best. I exceed expectations, I am more than qualified, I am passionate. There's no reason I can't do this. Relax." 

Then suddenly you realize the things that your brain comes up with in challenging situations are the most honest things about you as a whole. And you believe it; Potential, realized. Suddenly, parenthood isn't so much a test or a spot you're auditioning for... the test was positive my friend, you landed that spot so abruptly it even surprised you. You probably just forgot what you were capable of.

  But these are the things you should know about yourself, not just when you want more than anything to succeed and become something worth the precious time you spent dreaming about it. Not just when you ache to give yourself to every cause that might, maybe, someday, save someone. Not just in those moments, not just in front of your child, but in every moment of every day when you realize the dream is now. It is alive and here, and here's the big picture... it is not yours. It isn't about how prepared you are to teach a five year old how to tie their shoes, you put yours on already remember? They will learn, and they'll follow you in them, so go somewhere good.

 Now, right NOW is the best thing you have. Courage, passion, love... You have everything you need, you bring more to the table than you may have been willing to consider possible before. You have nothing to lose and everything to give, you will exceed expectations, you will surprise people and see smiles across beautiful, grateful faces. You are over qualified for this life because you are not OF this life. Passion and a thirst for greatness fill you because God fills you with love that is too big for your body to hold. There is no reason you should hold back or be idle or settle for what doesn't meet you in the greatness you feel. There's no reason you can't do anything.

Now this doesn't mean you have to solve the problems of the world and save every soul you encounter, but you should try. This means you're lucky enough to think bigger than your basic needs, lucky enough to have desires; you're not just trying to survive, you're blessed enough to want to thrive. This means you need to teach yourself that what you're doing, NOW, is the most important thing you will ever do, it's all relevant, it all matters. Learn to recognize the things you are feeding into that feed ON you and 

your precious moments, and don't be victimized by them.

What is happening RIGHT NOW is the best life lesson you have to learn and teach others, and the opportunity to take it is constant. The smiles of gratitude that you notice, the happiness you see, the goodness you witness and the beauty in everyone and what they have to offer... if you're aware of it all, you've learned this lesson before. That takes humility and selflessness and an open heart. Be proud of that, you've earned it through trial. If you have to learn these things over and over, every day, your time will never be wasted and eventually you won't doubt yourself, you won't need a pep talk, you'll give yourself credit for learning and surviving the lesson.

These are the things I'm talking about... These fractions of a whole that compose our lives will, without a doubt, time and time again, save us. They are redemption. They are clarity, peace, the manifestation that all is connected and you are playing your part. One day you wake up and know that nothing about this life is yours. Your soul dances with excitement for the sunrise because there's a blonde little angel in the next room that makes a sleepy blue eyed giggle under her covers when you come in singing good morning. This. This is heaven.



 Here's a few things I picked up recently that I've learned [see above] over time (and am working on constantly) that lay the foundation to love. (Like I said before, this is just me taking notes, reminding myself, but hoping the insight gives back.) After this pattern becomes a habit, you can forget yourself and truly live in the NOW, beautifully. I've learned that most things work in cycles. If we can center our efforts on something unfailing, a control point, and consistently maintain it, everything else will fall into place around it. It really does start with you, loving yourself, and "Kaizen," a term that means "a little improvement, every day."

 1. When I'm PHYSICALLY fit, I have the energy to encourage, to try and try again and try something different for someone who doesn't have the tools to help themselves.

2. When I'm EMOTIONALLY stable, I have the personal confidence to push someone else to do their best, even when it's scary, I have the strength to keep doing hard things for the person.

3. When I'm SOCIALLY stable, I know I have a healthy support system I can depend on and can be intentional about how I interact with who I love unconditionally, always acting only to support and empower them, never asking for a return.

4. When I'm INTELLECTUALLY fit, I'm driven to learn all I can about what is going on for the person -  their health, how environments are affecting their mood / behavior, and can see solutions more effectively.

5. When I'm SPIRITUALLY stable, I see the person differently, I see myself differently. I'm aspiring to something higher - a higher purpose, a higher standard of living. The person has infinite worth, I have hope for them to have a healthy life, a great life.

Find hope.

    I guess with the holidays came a crazy sense of disbelief that I'm still trying to shake. Life is persistent to continue living, and impatiently so. It doesn't feel like my own any longer, I don't know what to do with this borrowed time. Sean said to live like you're dying but I imagine this isn't quite what he meant. I catch myself dazed and immovable in a moment where I realize he's physically missing, or just incredibly missed. Then I blink and another month has gone by. September twenty fifth took all my sense of reality, it picked up every day that followed on its way out and slammed the door. How can it be Christmas Eve and we haven't spent one apart for five years? Why is this allowed to happen? Thanksgiving was unbearable, I just couldn't do it. Here comes another broken day full of traditions to rearrange and an immense amount of confused emotion. Every year he slept on the couch to spend Christmas morning with my family. I swear that man is the most beautiful thing to wake on this earth, Christmas morning or any other. Seans dreams must have been so beautiful he couldn't help but carry an incredible smile with him to the surface of consciousness. Kissing his cheek good morning was instant gratification, butterflies. I could feel it before I opened my eyes and pulled back to watch him. His lungs would slowly lift me a little higher and his left eye would crack open, I suspect his happiness woke up quicker than his body would allow. That gorgeous close-eyed smile told me he wanted to jump up and sweep me off my feet in a dance, but that he'd settle for wrapping me in his arms under a quilt by the fire for a few infinite moments. I have my doubts that I will ever sleep a second without the waking confusion of where he's gone.

Something tells me I'll still be here that morning, here to smile and nod silently when Brynlie asks if Santa has come. It'll be different, going to Grandma's for scones and sitting anywhere but his lap. Grandpa's gift for Sean from "the shop" was always anticipated, I wonder what he would have made this year. He adored my grandparents, he loved their love and appreciated our family more than I knew how. I give him credit for the way I see them now. Sean was teaching me all along, it's an incredibly bitter sweet feeling to have any lesson finally sink in when it seems too late. He fully understood the people I'd spent my entire life getting to know, why they did what they did, how they must feel... I guess when you know who you are everything outside of your simple self is clearer. I remember within ten minutes of meeting my brother at family dinner years ago, he mentioned how much he liked him. "He's the good kind of passive, he doesn't take everything so seriously. It balances you crazy girls out for sure." (Haha) He was learning from people before I even introduced him to them. With enough humility you learn life is all about the people we share it with, it's about how we feel and think and express love, "it's all about perspective." As a mother I'm continually struggling to have a better perspective, we have every reason to be our best. Sean would tell me, "If you don't understand, create something you CAN understand. I don't think you could get any better but if you can see it, I believe in you, I'm proud of you." I could write for days how much he constantly impressed me, shocked and amazed and inspired me. Sean Michael Halladay knew something infinite, something simple and lovely and pure that I don't think he even fully understood. But he knew it, he felt it, it filled him.

I don't enjoy saying so, but my heart breaks when I think about Christmas morning. We did Brynlie's shopping together every year, then watched the reaction together. The year before last was incredible, I swear we couldn't refrain from acting like two love drunk teenagers no matter how "old" we were getting as parents. We went graveyard sale shopping at Toys-R-Us and in the few hours we were there I was reminded that Sean would not only be the best father and husband I could ever imagine, but already the best friend I could possibly ask for. He made me laugh until I was soaking up tears with my sleeve. He picked things out for Brynlie that suited her better than anything I would have chosen alone, he loved that little girl the way I do. Always and forever, anything and everything, the inside-and-out, hold your hand and kiss you a hundred times just because way. "You know how much I love you girls, you know I'd do anything to make every one of your dreams come true. I'll spend the rest of my life showing you, if you'll let me." How many times did he have to say it, how many years would he have continued to spend proving it to me before I really, really understood? I am so unconditionally in love with him, given the chance now I would show him. Not the way I thought I did before, I would hold nothing back, fear nothing, I would give him my best. I can only hope he knows that now.

Sean somehow knew something else he couldn't have understood, he warned me once about regret and said he'd never want me to feel it. "Don't get scared before you even give it a chance, I don't want you to look back and wonder. I promise I'll make it worth it. I don't want you to ever regret giving up, give it a chance, take the risk, I promise you won't regret it." It is so painful knowing he was right, I never felt it before but regret is killing me now; it would succeed if I let it. You truly don't know what you have until it's gone. Don't take one minute for granted. If what I have learned and come to realize in the past few months has any validity, I can at least say I know now what love is and what life is all about. And it is better to have loved and lost, than to lose the CHANCE to. I have hope that I will learn from all of my missed opportunities. I have hope that I will learn how to recognize them so I don't half heartily do anything again. I have hope that I will never let another moment go by that I don't cherish. "You don't have to live forever, you just have to live." I have peace knowing Sean has no regrets, I don't grieve for what he has lost because I know the magnificence of the eternal life he is living now alongside his maker. I say I know because I have felt his assurance. Everyone that knew him on this earth knew the life Sean lived was full, I'm glad he lived his life. Now, I have faith in God to teach me how to live mine. I am gaining a new teacher, though intangible he is nearer to me than I could ever fathom before. I hope to be humble, to be a student of experience and walk confidently among the fog despite the castles in the distance and darkness surrounding me. I have found strength in this, the courage that comes with small, simple hope.

Open your eyes, jump.

If Sean could read any of these things I write, his eyes would get all wet and wide and he'd look at me with relief seeming to say "you finally had the realization," or "you get it." He was always waiting for me to get it, but how hard is it to truly understand someone with a heart like his? Sometimes it seemed impossible, the way I slowly started losing faith in humanity and feeling so afraid of the world and what I had to do to survive in it. He saw me struggle to keep my pieces together, he was always there to remind me to keep it simple, listen to my heart. Sean had life figured out so well I don't think anyone around him quite understood his view. To a cynic it seemed childish, naive, vulnerable. In reality it is the only way to keep sane in such a terrifying world. Wouldn't it be so easy to simply be love, show love, give love, live a life embracing love and acceptance? Everything else would fall into place. His dream was waiting to be brought to life and nothing would stop it, he was a force of positivity to be reckoned with. My Messiah. I am shaken to my core with regret, anger, frustration, and pure hatred for the person I have been. There were times I was incapable of understanding his message and the dream we painted seemed abstract. I would always come to my senses eventually, but it kills me to know I caused him ANY grief or discomfort of any kind. Though I know someday I will have to forgive myself in my efforts to become the person I was in Sean's eyes, today I'm still living in step one.

I try to be productive, I have all the best intentions to do what I need to but "tomorrow" always seems more clear, more clean, a better bet at feeling alive again. Homework is piling up with the laundry and bills and I'm terrified at my refusal to move. I can't function, I keep trying but somehow my desperation to feel any relief, to feel at all, always results in a crash of the most incredible sadness I've ever known. I feel as if every atom in me is questioning its existence, and everything around me seems so momentary. How can we have any concept of time, progress, or prayer when Sean is the only thing I truly believed in, the only thing we knew as a sure thing? No matter how age, education or experience changed my mind about living I knew one thing for certain. I loved him, he loved me, we would end up together somehow because we saw our greatest dreams alive in each other. It seems unbelievable but we never fought, never argued, never didn't understand the distance or time we each needed to grow up and into minds of our own. That was true faith and I have yet to experience it any other way. So when they say it will take time, when I say I'll get it done tomorrow, it's all uncertain.

In 2005 and the summer after, Sean and I remained the same as the day we met... we never tried to label it, we didn't ask questions or complicate it, it just was. I knew his first year of high school didn't include me since I was a year behind and always felt he had a better mouse to chase somewhere. (He tried to convince me otherwise.) I still didn't believe in the girl he somehow saw, I felt like I was happy because he was and that I didn't deserve to feed off his beautiful soul. Depression again, the friends I was closest to moved or moved on while I tried so hard to make it in a new crowd. This age was brutal, all awkward and stumbling through transitions. I found trouble, it kept me distracted and numb so I went looking for more. Every time I saw Sean I forgot all of it and I was suddenly the person I wanted to be, but he didn't let me get away with it. I would hug him wrong and he would know I had been with Collin, the way he looked at me when I drew my arms back from around his neck... I hated it. He knew I was looking to get hurt and shook his head in disappointment when he smelled cigarettes under the perfume on my shirt. He only wanted the best for me and I wouldn't allow myself to have it, he'd turn to walk away still shaking his head and I would stand there sinking into the floor. I wanted to keep him so badly but I refused to take his light.

The year I entered high school he fought hard for me, he was the only thing that kept me sober, at least while I was with him. I was living with my grandparents while our house was being built and it placed me within a few blocks of the best of my worst acquaintances. I had a double life and kept my "party" friends and my real ones separated. One Thursday Sean and I planned on going to this park near Salt Lake, it was one of those warm, clear nights with a calm breeze but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't face him after seeing him at school, knowing he smelled the alcohol on my breath. I told him I couldn't anymore, that my parents said no. I hated myself for it, for everything and everyone else I had failed, so I crushed them into dust and got high. I counted the pills left in the bottle, just for fun... enough to kill me if I wanted. My phone rang and startled me, Sean called my bluff and had come over to see me. At first I panicked but when I ran outside barefoot and he picked me up to spin me around, it wasn't my bad habit that made me smile like I did. My legs were still wrapped around him when I stopped laughing and realized he was looking at me, quiet. Back to panic, he knew. How the hell did he know? He immediately put me down, took my hand and walked me away from the living room window that made us a television show. I held his hand loose and casual on the sidewalk, looking at the street light coming through the branches over our heads I tried to talk too much for a serious conversation to begin. He stopped, took my other hand forcing me to face him, he was mad. I felt my eyes get hot and my lip started to shake as he pulled me down to the sidewalk, he just sat down quietly, waiting. I was in front of him and wished to be invisible. "Why do you do this to yourself?" Tears rolled down my face. "I don't know, I don't know, I'm sorry..." He said not to be sorry, but that he wasn't going to watch me do this, I was beautiful, it was stupid, pointless, it wasn't fun and I knew it. "Just stop it, now. No more... Please." He was pleading for me, his heart was full and warm and beating so loud I swear I could hear it. My head felt heavy and it buzzed like radio static. How could he love me? He wore his injuries so beautifully, they scarred him with vibrant colors and monarch patterns; mine rendered me broken and flightless. He was brave, courageous, vigilantly aware of every one's pain and wholly willing to bear any burden he possibly could. I have met so many good people in this life but I have never witnessed a man with the capacity to give himself so completely to another in need. The extent of his heart and the strength of his service was unfathomable, he drenched everything he saw in pure golden love and no person was ever left in the shade. He did so entirely unaware that it was abnormal, that most souls were too desensitized to live or understand the way he did. I promised him then, at fifteen, that I wouldn't entertain the idea of suicide ever again.

I had the best boyfriend a girl could EVER ask for and I was absolutely, blissfully, stupidly happy. Crazy, spontaneous, stuck-like-glue young love totally took over and we didn't have one opposing thought about it. We met at the couches before school, my only reason for coming early was to see his eyes catch me coming up the stairs and both our faces would ignite with excited, full force, dimpled smiles. At lunch we'd escape campus with our rowdy crew, sometimes we didn't make it back. Sometimes we'd stick around and melt together on the blue cushions, counting how many times the school patrol walked by shaking his head at us, his arm around me, talking, laughing and putting mascara on Nics mustache. After school I'd nearly tackle him, he'd carry me on his back or pick me up like a new bride and sing embarrassingly loud to the parking lot while I kissed his cheeks and giggled the whole way. We had a class together, a lapse of judgement for whoever made the schedules. Interior Design, one of the easiest classes in high school, he sat directly behind me and we both failed. We passed elaborate notes with swirly labels and cheesy sketches, and somehow we always got thirsty at the same time. When the classroom was quietly at work I would turn in my seat before standing up and Seans head would shoot up from his paper with a mischievous grin on his face. I'd wink at him and wait five seconds outside the heavy metal door next to the drinking fountain, right as it closed he would push me against the wall and kiss me like we'd been waiting a lifetime. I was sixteen but I shared every fiber of my being with that boy and every day was a blessing to be alive. Moments stretched and the clock moved at glacier speeds just for us.

The day Sean realized how young and naive we were, he saw his heart in danger and put his hands up with walls too high to climb and backed away in surrender. I was totally crushed that someone who seemed so fearless could be afraid of me, I couldn't hurt him, I would never. The roles were flipped and I was in the line of fire, my weapons behind me, fighting bare fists and relentless to make him understand. It was three days: On the first, fear attacked him and between fight or flight, he only knew to fly. The second, I failed at talking him out of it, over and over again. The third, I walked up the steps to the couches early before school. I saw Sean facing Brady, his back coated in red and white plaid, his arm on the shoulder of girl he introduced me to the week before. I stood at the top step, turned, and walked away as quickly as I could. Like a movie scene I clung to my books and darted for the door, ready to make a mistake of bitter resentment and fleeting teenage emotion. I ran for shelter and revenge. I called my two best girls and they were in the parking lot of the high school blasting NWA by the time I reached the door. I left in that manner every day for weeks after that, blanketing my disappointment in a haze of smoke and everclear. I was back with Collin, spending nights at the garage, staying away from home where the school was calling about attendance. On a Monday, the second week of December, my simple careless life was swapped for one of chaos and confusion. How easy it was then to be rash and irrational, with no concept of anything temporary. By the end of that day I had taken it too far and then realized I was only making my situation worse instead of better and I would soon have a positive pregnancy test to prove it. That day I went home knowing if I didn't get myself in check I would get kicked out of my house and expelled from school.

I withdrew completely, no more boys, I focused on making up for my irresponsibility and tried to fall off the social radar. I didn't even realize what I had done until February. I was frustrated that despite my efforts I was spending my film class after lunch in the bathroom because the smell lingering in the hall made me sick. I made a trip to Walgreens, got a Gatorade, some gum, a test, and nervously gave the despondent cashier my money. She glanced up at me in my Springville High dance hoodie with tired eyes and I thought for a moment she'd shake her head with disgrace. Sean kept calling me, I never answered. I didn't see him at school any more but I understood why when my truancy finally caught up to me and I had to attend Plato, an after school make-up class. I walked in and felt sick again, the room was filled with people I knew and talked to every day but I only saw him smiling at Brady. I was so exhausted. I hadn't told a soul yet and had no idea what it meant to be a pregnant junior in high school. My mind was blank on the subject, it seemed so intangible, all a dream. Sean saw me walk in, I faked a slight smile before sitting down in front of him. I was ready to pretend I had been too swamped with work and dance to notice his missed calls and text messages. He pretended he didn't notice the pain on my face until class ended and we were safe outside. Grey covered everything, white vapor rose from our mouths as we walked silently to my car. I was holding my books like a shield again, head down watching our legs synchronously push through the cold air. He opened my door for me and I suggested we'd get our packets done faster together, he asked if he could come over. Following me on the way home, he would ride my bumper and swerve to the side of me at a stop sign with his ridiculous face pressed against the window. Laughing felt so estranged, but good, really good.

I grabbed my moms laptop and we sat at the island in my kitchen after dinner. I remember how well he dealt with being nervous, asking my parents about their days and complimenting my step dad on his steak. He'd been in the "hot seat" a thousand times before, but tonight somehow seemed more important to him. When we had made a dent in our science packet he inquired about the CD I made him, I got up to get it and suddenly heard the thud, thud, slide of his socks across the tile and his hands caught me at the hips. It felt amazing, his warm strong arms wrapped around my waist and his chin tickling my neck. He kissed my cheek while I held his arms to me, forgetting for a split second that he might notice the barely-there bump growing beneath my pierced belly button. It was March 15th, three months and I was paranoid that the changes to my 98 pound body were obvious. I threw his hands off me and spun around grinning and challenging to deflect his attention. I threw light, coy punches to his abs and said something clever about how he thought he was so smooth. He was smiling so big, I didn't know that the girl I saw him with months earlier only stuck around a week and we had spent all this time missing each other for nothing. "Oh, really?" He said "You don't think so? Girl I'm smooth as butta." I had my hands clenched and raised to my face the way my dad had shown me, never leave a weak spot. I laughed and took a few steps back as he playfully sparred with me. I blocked every shot with my arms but when my right foot hit the stair rail behind me and I saw one coming for my stomach I gasped, threw myself backward and before I could stop myself I was saying "NoNoNoNO." He looked at me, bewildered, I usually gave him a run for his money when we sparred and wrestled like this. He turned his head slightly, eyes narrow, a thin half faced smirk on his lips. I quickly stuttered "I-I just... no body shots..." Feeling stupid I spun around on one heel and headed down the stairs, he followed with a mocking "UH HUUH." We sat back down in the kitchen to listen to the CD while we finished our work. I pressed play and opened the word document, ready to type what he read to me. Sean had other plans. He grabbed the laptop and turned it to face him. He pressed two keys and turned it back to me, we were passing notes again. I shook my head then my smile faded when I saw a single question mark on the screen. I knew I owed him an explanation. I opened my mouth then closed it again, wrinkled my nose and looked at him like "do I have to?" He looked at me, understanding, and watched me touch the keys while I spelled my confession so I didn't have to press them onto the screen. He was making it easy for me, he already knew. I pointed to each letter, P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. He looked at me, almost smiling and I wondered just what the hell was so amusing. He raised one eyebrow and I knew he was asking if he were in trouble even though he knew darn well he couldn't be. I shook my head and couldn't control my wide, terrified eyes studying his reaction. He asked, he knew who was involved without asking, so he knew I was totally alone... now what? He turned the laptop toward him again, all the way so I couldn't see. I had no idea what to think or expect when a few seconds later he turned it back to me and rested his chin on his fist, his elbow on the table, and waited. "Can I keep you?" I could feel the most intensely confused face appear on myself and almost yelled "WHAT?!" His head flipped over his shoulder and back again as if someone might have overheard our entire silent conversation. I was shocked. Confused, impossibly boggled, speechless. He just sat there twiddling his thumbs, waiting for an answer. When I sat too long scrunching my eyes and nose, shaking my head in absolute bewilderment, he got up to stretch and impatiently tapped his fingers on the back of my chair. I stood up on my knees in my seat to meet him face to face. He was looking around, nonchalantly whistling, pretending not to notice for a moment until I took his face in my hands and shook my head up and down so fast a tear fell out of my wet eyes. He wiped it away before kissing me. That was that; signed, sealed, delivered. We'd do it the hard way because what else is really worth the fight?

Refuse, deny, breathe, write.

I stayed away from this until yesterday, I hate that my only option now is pictures and words. If you know me you know I hate painting emotions on a social canvas, but until writing my tears to death no longer works, I guess everyone will hear about it. I can't think of any other way to get this out, I have so much regret I would be a fool not to follow the urge to write what I've felt. There's just no expressing it, not really, not in a way that could ever satisfy me. I just can't deny my screaming insides. How long have I gone ignoring the urge, the voices, the promptings? To write him a note, make him a CD, listen to him, make a change, capture moments, retrace my steps, remember, cherish him. And I still do it, I deny my instant, instinct thoughts that flow to my fingers because they may not be correct or make any sense. I don't care. I will not second guess myself any more. As far as I am concerned, this expressions only flaw is that it is too late. This is Step One, denial. Do I know the second step? At this point, no. Never will I ever.

For a week before the day my world came undone, random things had been happening that gave me a sense of unease. Sean and I spent every day and night for two weeks together when he got back from Texas, and decided we were going to be better than ever (Officially) Then, the second week of the fall semester came and made a wave in our waters. I got stressed and everything seemed chaotic. In every social setting I tried to place myself in I felt lost, I wanted to go home before I even left. In my easy, laid back classes I felt hopeless, I became the desk in the back nearest the door. At work my interactions were forced, I was extremely anxious to get through each night as routine: Smile, listen, agree. I was as genuine as a robot and I could feel it, I isolated myself desperately trying to figure out what it was this time that I had to figure out in my head. I went to the gym by myself one night to clear my head and my ipod played three Letter Kills songs from the same album, on shuffle. I hadn't heard those songs or any from Letter Kills in years, my ipod is always on shuffle so with everything else going on this was more than random. Those of you who knew him best will understand the significance.

When Sean was in Texas working we were constantly talking; texting, calling each other with random stories, pictures of each other, houses he liked and sunsets that inspired us. We sent a song assignment every day to listen to, sometimes whole play lists. He'd say "we should choreograph a dance to this," or "this came on in the car and reminded me how much I love you...for the thousandth time this morning." I missed him so much and was so excited for him to come home. He had a camping trip with his family the day after he got back and I thought I'd have to wait even longer to see him, but I was relieved that he had time to himself with family. No ruthless heat and humidity, no walking in the rain with sole-less shoes. No more walking for miles to find a place to fill his water bottle or hitch-hiking in a dangerous city. Sean had me thinking he and Sadie would drive from the airport to Mt. Pleasant without stopping to see me in Orem. He surprised me at work with flowers. He's such a romantic. I couldn't adequately describe how intensely happy and in love with him I felt. We planned a weekend vacation to park city after his Montana trip, and seriously considered eloping in Vegas... I can not understand why, after two weeks of him being back I suddenly felt lost and told him something was wrong but I didn't know what. I had too many responsibilities on my plate to think clearly. He blamed himself for not having everything "set up" here, I could not have cared less about that. We could be homeless, starving, broke, it didn't matter. But I couldn't get out of my own head, I took that last week for granted, I wasted it away. Call it depression or stress... all it is now is painful regret. It is by far the worst pain I have ever known. There are hours I dwell in each day when I wish I could cease to exist.

Sean Michael Halladay and I met in 2004 on a windy day in August... We count this as the day we met because it struck the two of us so hard it felt a lot like fate. I remember it was windy because as I walked through the doors of the Jr.High I struggled to fix my hair with one hand, my other was gripping my latest "boyfriends."(I was thirteen and not to be taken seriously) It was after school hours, I had been at the skate park across the street and realized I left my phone inside. We walked east and when I looked up a tall handsome boy with football gear slung over his shoulder was walking west and staring right at me. I immediately tried to fix my facial expression and not be seen drooling. Let me explain that this was my "rebel" phase, with my dark clothes and bangs in my face... And this boy struck me as an overly handsome and consequently overly confident "jock" when he disregarded the boy at my left ENTIRELY and exposed his perfect beautiful smile with a "Hey! How are you?" I was later told that was a huge accomplishment for him, and that he was actually very shy around girls. (Hard to believe, right?)  I remember every time we told someone how we met, he would tell them how I broke his heart with my cold look and lack of response, how I gave him a "death look" and kept walking. But then he would quickly add, "and all I wanted was to meet the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, I just HAD to get her attention." Sean has this way of telling someone else a story but telling me all over again, he'd get to certain parts and look down at me with those shining eyes reminding me how it felt to find him. No matter how many times he told the story it felt like an announcement we couldn't wait to make to make.

That was a Friday, I was surprisingly not grounded and allowed to have a "sleep over" at a friends, meaning we went looking for trouble with our much older friends. At that time in my life my choice of company was destructive and my emotional well being was unhealthy. That Friday night I drank until I was extremely sick and eventually passed out, then in the morning I ended things with that much older boy I shouldn't have ever been with. I didn't value my life or love myself, I spent most of Sunday locked in my room considering checking out entirely before monday came. But, monday came and when I walked down the steps after school I saw my friend Brady Rawlings across the street, he yelled "PAIGEUMS!!"and I instantly felt a little better and ran over to give him a hug. I had never said much to his friend Nic but I will always remember as I hugged Brady he took inventory of my attire and said "Oh, I have skulls on my shoes and holes in my pants, I'm so hardcore." I spun around with a wicked glare for him and there was Sean, standing right next to Nic, hands in his pockets, looking the opposite direction, half smiling and totally uninterested in what was happening. A few weeks later my friend Tesha had started to date Nic and I saw Sean again at her house.

We were all standing in her front yard playing hacky-sac and goofing around. Brady and I had been wrestling and laughing but I had been watching Sean the entire time and was very annoyed that he was making such an effort not to notice me at all. I was so intrigued by him. The way he seemed so anxious to meet me and now refused to glance at me even though I was staring at him. I knew, he knew, for the first time I was aware of my misjudgement and wanted more than anything to fix the person I shot back at him that day he gave me the perfect first impression. He was laughing at Nic and Tesha, I walked over, stood three inches from him and said "Hey, you can talk to me you know, I won't bite." He looked at me confused, smiled, laughed, looked at Brady behind me and continued to look confused for a few seconds. I felt so awkward staring at him waiting for a reply... He was so beautiful. His eyes were still on Brady directly behind me and I lost myself watching his eyes light up and his grin strech across his dimpled cheeks, before I knew it I was slung over Seans shoulders and spinning around in the blur of green grass and his white skate shoes. Every day after that one seemed to work perfectly in our favor. I thought about him all day and ran across the street after school to meet our group. Weekends consisted of Nic, Tesha, Brady, Sean and I having sleepovers on Talia's trampoline, going to the reservoir, watching movies and boxing in Bradys basement, getting kicked out of every grocery store in Springville, Provo and Spanish Fork. We always had so much fun, I was constantly being picked up and slung over someone's shoulder, I laughed and was genuinely happier than ever and it seemed like I finally found a place I fit. Brady and Sean always joked about who "got me first" but everyone knew, it was obvious.

One night in October the four of us had been babysitting Talia's nieces and nephews. Nic and Tesha had gone somewhere, and Sean and I were left sitting on the ground in her aunts living room. I was only a block away from my house but I spent most nights there because I hated to be home, especially alone in my room. Sean was sitting indian-style and I was hugging my knees in front of him talking about my crazy childhood and asking about his. We exposed our weaknesses, fears and struggles... As we talked he put my cold feet under his crossed legs, we looked at each other and knew these were things we didn't share lightly, or with anyone else at all. Trust was something we were conditioned to lack, something dangerous, but I wasn't afraid when he pulled me closer and kissed me. It was an introduction to perfection. I trusted him, it was a clique emotion like butterflies and I was hooked like a fish. From that night we couldn't look at each other without smiling or walk without holding hands. One saturday night we went to a haunted forest. My first "date," I remember what he wore, what I wore, and over everything I remember his laugh. From beginning to end I heard him laughing and saw his "Ooohh man" face more clearly than anything. He was such a sissy, pushing me ahead into doorways and picking me up to run from someone behind him. On Halloween he and I sat in the backseat of Nics car holding hands, whispering, smiling... I could see Nics eyes in the rearview as he said "God you two are cute. Hey, keep your hands where I can see them!" Tesha turned laughing and made fun of us. I squoze his hand three times. I hadn't taught him what that meant yet.

We didn't have to try to spend all of our time together, it just happened. It was gravity, magnetic, inevitable. He came to see me on Thanksgiving and I ran outside barefoot in snow to jump in his arms because I missed him so much. He always made fun of me for prancing around without shoes and half the time he had to force me to wear his jacket because I never remembered one. He was always so warm. The nights we would insist on sleeping on the trampoline, Nic and Tesha would always run inside freezing but we stayed until the sun came up. Although we were young, we understood so much about what was happening. This was so real. No games, no questions. Just easy, lucky, free. We knew each other completely, Sean understood why I made the mistakes I had and could always predict the ones I would make again. To be with someone and know their past, thrive in their presence, see the patterns that will compose their future and have it be so incredibly easy to mold yourself to their lives... knowing that we already forgave each other for what would happen, knowing we would be adrift at times but never alone. Neither of us had to say a word, no matter what our connection was so strong we simply knew. Over the course of a few months we had become permanent, necessary, irreplacable love that would continue to grow, mature, deepen and become truly unconditional.